Attuned Leadership for Women Podcast

Episode 019

Reducing Holiday Stress As A Professional Woman

With the added pressures of work, family, and societal expectations, it can be challenging for you to navigate the demands of the holiday season as a professional woman.

With all that is stacked on your already overflowing plate, what can you do to reduce the holiday stress, prevent or manage burnout, and make sure you actually enjoy the holiday yourself?

That’s what we’re diving into in Episode 19! I’m sharing strategies for preventing burnout and enjoying the holidays without overworking. 

If you tend to overestimate what you can do and underestimate the recovery you’ll need to sustain your energy then you’ll want to listen to this episode more than once! 

It should be at the top of every woman’s pre-holiday to-do list!

Quotes from the Episode 

“What if this time of year, this year, could be more replenishing for your own energy and capacity than it ever has been in the past?”

Dr. Crystal Frazee

“So much talk is about having better external boundaries with other people, and that’s great, yes, but in order to implement what I’m sharing with you so far and to do it well, you need internal boundaries first.”

Dr. Crystal Frazee

“Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. We get in our own way by having a vision of what is important to us and what would be fulfilling and satisfying. But then we don’t let ourselves have it because we end up over committing our time and energy in other ways.“

Dr. Crystal Frazee

Highlights:

Mentioned In This Episode:

• Free Short Audio Training: How to Run Your Day Without It Running You
• Learn more about the Attuned Leadership Audits for emerging and established leaders

Connect with Crystal on Social Media
 Crystal’s Instagram
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 Crystal’s TikTok
 Crystal’s Website

FREE Leadership Resources from Crystal:

• Free PDF Training: Stress & Overwhelm Relief Game Plan

Get updates about Crystal’s upcoming book! REVIVE: The Working Woman’s Unexpected Guide to Recovering from Burnout

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Prefer to Read? Here’s the transcript!

*Just a heads up – the provided transcript is likely to not be 100% accurate.

Introduction: 

Dr. Crystal Frazee: This time of year can feel like it adds an incredible number of tasks to your to-do list. Whether you’re a single parent, or the one in the household that typically makes the holiday charm and wonder happen, or if you’re not a parent but everyone expects you to travel – and a hundred other scenarios, it can be really challenging. It can be really stressful to navigate all the demands going through the holidays. On top of that, if you’re a business owner or leader, you may also carry the responsibility of bringing cheer to the team. With all of this stacked on your already overflowing plate, what can you do to reduce the holiday stress, prevent or manage burnout and make sure you actually get to enjoy the holiday yourself? After all, it is supposed to be a time off from working, not working five times harder. 

That’s what we’re diving into today in Episode 019 of the Attuned Leadership for Women podcast. We are going to be talking all about how to reduce stress as a professional woman during the holidays. Let’s get into it. 

Trailer: 

Dr. Crystal Frazee: Where do established and aspiring women leaders go to get answers to their biggest challenges, like how to deal with double standards, break free from hustle and burnout, drive change without being bossy, and how to raise visibility by doing less, not more? I’m Dr. Crystal Frazee, your host and a women’s health and leadership expert and author. I’ve spent the past 15 years developing the answers to those questions. I believe that your body has all the wisdom you need and that without much effort, you can leverage it for things like faster, better decision-making, creating a magnetic presence for influence, and even navigating perimenopause so your performance goes up instead of down. In this show, I will teach you what traditional leadership approaches overlook, how to leverage your body wisdom to break free from time and energy traps, shatter barriers, dissolve the good woman programming that stops you from living on your terms, Level the playing field at home and work and be the most powerful leader you can be. Get ready to rewrite the rules of success and satisfaction using the practical strategies of attuned leadership for women. 

Main Content: 

Dr. Crystal Frazee: Hey, I’m excited to dive into this topic because the holiday season has begun and I want to help you turn down the dial of pressure and expectation, both that others may have of you, but also that you might have unconsciously placed on yourself so that the season is less stressful, depleting and demanding of you. 

Here’s the thought I want to kick it off with. What if this time of year, this year, could be more replenishing for your own energy and capacity than it ever has been in the past? I believe that it can. With just a little bit of a shift, you can have more clear priorities and boundaries, so you’re spending your time and energy doing more of what you enjoy and find satisfying and less of what you feel obligated to do. 

If I’m honest, for me, I have to contend with this all the way through March because after Christmas we have New Year’s, then my daughter’s birthday is Valentine’s Day, then it’s my birthday, then there’s a tiny little break before my husband’s birthday, and then it’s Easter and now we’re in April. So November through March and April can feel like I’m moving at an intense pace because on top of my regular responsibilities at home and in my professional life, I’m also this ongoing event planner, home chef, professional photographer, host, interior decorator, magic maker, and more. 

And here’s something I know about myself and maybe you can recognize it in yourself too. I tend to overestimate what I can do and underestimate the recovery I need to sustain that pace. My superpower really is strength and perseverance, like grit is my secret weapon, but it’s such an overdeveloped skill that it actually can be what slows me down. Notice if this resonates with you. If you think about your internal voice that you hear in your head in response to facing a challenge, what does yours say? Mine tends to say, I can do it. I don’t need help. I can do this by myself. I can push through. I don’t need rest. Rest!? You know, and that is this narrative and it’s very unconscious, but I have to really look out for that. And what’s important is to reflect on how the script that you hear from your internal voice translates into your actions and behavior. 

Specifically here, since we’re talking about the holidays, how you use your time and energy? When it comes to my calendar, I tend to fill in the cracks and basically What that means is that I’m 100% scheduled, and I even get Google Calendar alerts for my scheduled downtime, to give you a sense. And most of my clients are high-achieving women. They’re the go-to women in their circle, and they’re known for being able to just get shit done. And usually some part of my story that I shared about me resonates with them. 

So what happens is that when you already have a full schedule and you move into the holidays, is that it can be a recipe for burnout, sometimes for resentment, and for this time of year to pass, which is really an opportunity where you end up feeling kind of bitter or regretful about not having made it more about what you need. 

But what’s really at the core of this issue? Well, if you’ve listened to any of my shows in the past, you may anticipate what I’m going to say. But I believe really strongly that it’s not listening to the messages that our body is giving us and prioritizing consciously or unconsciously the needs or expectations of others over those body messages. And it’s something that we’ve been doing for decades over our lifetime. And if you think about the roles that you play, every decade that you live, those evolve and they get bigger and more responsibilities get schlepped onto your shoulders. And so it’s so important to tap into this opportunity that’s here in listening to our body’s signal for things like anxiety, fatigue, overwhelm, and other emotions, and then using that to help us know what we need to subtract, not add, especially in the holidays. 

And another opportunity that I should mention here is just going ahead and baking in the rest and recovery time into your calendar. Because when you look at your calendar, and you don’t see something there, you think, oh, yeah, I can do that, right? That’s that internal voice that forever optimist, “I can do that. Sure thing.” And when you do that, then there’s really no time left for your own rest and recovery, downtime, quiet time, whatever that is for you. And when those blocks are in place, then it helps you have that perspective. And it lets you say no to some of those extra things with less internal tension and conflict. 

So let’s dig into this a little bit more. When I think of the holidays for women, I think of them being the gift buyer and wrapper. They manage the family calendar because there’s more things going on. They’re coordinating everything. They host for events or they’re the ones communicating with the host. They’re going somewhere. They manage the politics and you know what I mean here like Well, so and so and so and so can’t sit next to each other because of this issue that happened. Or, you know, there’s this pie that only Aunt Lisa eats, but it has to be on the table, or there’ll be some hoopla about it. You know, that’s what I mean by politics. They manage the emotional load of all the guests. 

Women are typically the ones that decorate and bring wonder to the holiday, like all the specialness. They anticipate that and they plan for that months in advance. They cook, they clean, they clean some more. And let me just say, they clean some more. And let’s not leave out that they usually write the thank you notes after the holidays are over or have coordinated these, you know, photograph cards that go out or written the letter of the year. And there’s so many messages that suggest that we should be doing even more this time of year. You think of all the media messages that are coming at you to buy things and do things and that you need to fulfill those expectations. It’s like being on autopilot where we also extend ourselves without realizing it. What I want for you is to have a lovely holiday, exactly as you wish for it to be. whether it is full of travel and adventure or just staying cozy and chill at home. But for you to have that, really, if I’m honest, it starts by letting yourself imagine what you really want by peeling away the layers of how things always have been and traditions and what other people may want. 

If it were up to you to do only what you wanted, what would that be through the holidays this year? And maybe that’s too broad to say through the holidays. So pick the next upcoming holiday that you experience and think about that one. And then proceed with that image in mind once you have that clarity. And then work backwards from there. Because sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. We get in our own way by having a vision of what it would be important to us and what would be fulfilling and satisfying. But then we don’t let ourselves have it because we end up over committing our time and energy in other ways. And yeah, I want to just acknowledge that there’s competing interest. And this isn’t perfect, right? That there are some things you’re going to say yes to that you feel like there’s no choice, things you may not really want to do. But for the most part, I feel like we just aren’t asking this question enough of ourselves through the holiday. And it’s “what do I want?” before considering what do THEY want? What does my family want? What do my children want? What does my workplace want? What does my community want? And ask yourself, how good are you at asking that question? What do I want? 

And think about how these roles and hats you wear translate into your to-do items. Your to-do list gets quadrupled when all these roles come out with the holidays, and how you can compromise on how they get done. So for example, if you’re the host, and I want to just say, I know this is a privileged option for me to bring up, but instead of cooking the food yourself, can you have it catered? If not, can you ask guests to each just bring a dish? Right? How can you simplify and reduce the pressure on yourself so even if you have the role of being the host, reduce your to-do list significantly? Can you appoint people to manage the cleanup part of the project? How can you go ahead and plan for ways that you are doing less? And for each role, think about what you can take away, like what can you subtract, and still feel like you’re doing what’s important to you doing what’s needed. And I’m going to have some examples that I’m going to share in just a few minutes. But really, it’s like, how is each and everything that you’re doing related to what fills you up? How does it bring you joy, or a feeling of satisfaction, comfort, gratitude and happiness? Or at the least, let’s just say, how is this thing that you’re doing neutral, meaning it doesn’t deplete you? 

And the number of things that you’re doing throughout the holidays, the roles that you have, the hats that you wear, and the to-do list items they add to your life, you can’t have numerous of them that are depleting you. That’s too much. Of course, then you’re going to end the holiday season and you’re going to feel pretty burned out. So just think about it. And if you get nothing else from the episode other than, huh, I really should think about what I want, And is the way my calendar reflects my time and energy going to allow me to have that? And that may be it. 

Of course, the next step would be “what changes can I make if you’re able to do that?” The next thing I want you to do is to realize that you need more recovery through the holidays than normal. And that’s because your routine is probably altered. So, you know, sleep, eating, drinking and resting, those routines are all being shifted and you might be under more stress in some ways. So after every outing or gathering, make sure you have a clear block in your calendar for recovery. And I do this literally, you know, if I go to an evening event, then either that night or the next morning, there’s a block in my calendar, it’s like recovery time, even if it’s only five minutes, sometimes it’s an hour, sometimes it’s more right, but something is there. 

For example, we always have our Christmas tree up until after New Year’s, we try to keep it alive. And, you know, after the New Year’s, you know, that end of that week, we will usually take it down. And so I have two three-hour blocks on not just my calendar, but this year I’m including my husband. He has the same calendar block. So that we can both have the workload of putting everything away. You know, not just taking the decorations off the tree and getting the tree out of the house, but The Santa clauses and the stockings and the candles and all the things that have been brought out to decorate need to be put away completely to get the house back in order. And for the past 14 years, with no discussion, I assumed it was my job for no apparent reason whatsoever. But this year I immediately feel resentment about that. That’s crap, right? 

And if you’re a single mom and you are the only one that gets it out and puts it back, how else can you get support? Can you create the expectation with your children that they’re going to pitch in? or ask a friend to come over and join you, you know, put on a movie and both kind of be working away at getting everything broken down and put away. Personally, I’m really minimizing the number of times I’m going to be out late. As I shift in my mid 40s into menopause, perimenopause, keeping my sleep schedule consistent is what I found has been the biggest lever in improving my brain fog and keeping my energy levels stable. And so that’s become really important to me even through the holidays. 

Here’s something else. Now, I’m mentioning this because it’s come up recently with my clients, but I want to urge you to stop volunteering, like literally. You’re not allowed to volunteer for a little bit. And I want you to hear my voice like I’m a little bird on your shoulder when someone asks if you can volunteer or pitch in or add something to your plate. I want you to experiment first with not saying yes. Resist the urge to say yes. 

Leave things open-ended. I’m not sure if I can do that, but if I can, I’ll let you know. If you need to know right now, then I cannot. And just let it be that let it go. 

And there’s something so enticing for myself and my high-achieving clients when it comes to being a problem solver. It’s this irresistible sensation. Total dopamine hit makes it so hard not to say yes. when we can be helpful or provide a solution for someone. And that is old wiring, where we most likely got validation and affirmation about our worth and our belonging from what we could do versus who we were. And at this point in our lives, it’s time to rewrite that wiring and change that message. And so I’m not saying never volunteer and never help. But you really have to check in inside. 

Now you’ll know if this resonates and this is true for you. If you have a memory of saying yes with your mouth, but then your body immediately protested with anxiety or overwhelm, or anger or frustration, or tension. right or if you say yes to things and then you later regret it and then the time is here and you’re supposed to go do the thing and you want to do anything but that thing right so remember this mantra through the holidays and beyond okay “subtract, don’t add.” So many women think that To get where we need to be, we have to keep adding and adding and adding and that is not true. It’s the opposite. Subtract and it will get you where you want to be, feeling how you want to feel much faster. 

Remember that if you do say ‘no’ to something, that you do not, please, please do not apologize. You don’t have sorrow, you don’t need to apologize that you can’t do something. If somebody asks if you can do something, whatever that might be, cooking something extra showing up to something traveling, if it’s not fueling you authentically, then say no, kindly with grace with respect. It’s as simple as I wish I could, but I’m not able to. That’s it. No story. No, I’m so sorry. None of that’s actually needed. And it helps you keep your energy to yourself instead of giving your autonomy and energy to someone else. Like if you were to say something like, Oh, I wish I could, but our schedule so full and that would be really hard to squeeze it in. But maybe I could try to move something and I’ll get back to you. I’ll do everything I can to try to make it happen. Oh, right. That kind of makes me cringe. There’s so much energy pouring into that. When the answer should just be no, it doesn’t work. And if your body is giving you a message of no, that’s all the validation you need. And I’ll tell you, like, that’s a glow up, that’s a real mature life lesson, is that you don’t need any external validation, you even if they are upset or don’t agree, it doesn’t matter, what you need is to prioritize and honor what your body is saying. Of course, if you don’t have a lot of experience with this, then it’s going to feel kind of threatening, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar territory. So start with low-stakes situations, like the easiest things for you to do. And notice how that feels for you. Not necessarily in the moment, because most likely in that moment, it’s going to feel a little cringy for you. But afterward, when you realize and you get to celebrate that you did, in fact, avoid adding more to your to do list. 

And as you practice this, because literally you have to continuously do this and be aware of subtracting, not adding, and saying no, you’ll get more confident and can eventually say no to the more challenging things, the things that might really give you a lot of tension as you think about them right now. 

Here’s another big question. I want you to really sit with this, okay? Ask yourself, what else needs your permission to do things differently than they’ve always been done? Hmm, what else do you need to give yourself permission for to do differently than it’s always been done? The thing I’m considering is all the decorations around the house. Now, I scaled it back last year, where I used to decorate the stairway and even some in the basement and the TV area. But this year, I think about getting it all out and then having to put it all away. And this year, I’m just going to keep it to the main area of the house. And that way, I still have the enjoyment of the decorations without that bitter emotion that comes with it. Putting up outside lights is something that I also enjoy that falls into this category, but I really don’t enjoy taking them down in January because it’s really cold where I live and it’s always covered in snow. Like, we’ll have really deep snow in my front yard by then. So I’m asking myself, how can we decorate so it’s enjoyable but not as elaborate of what we’ve done in the past? What’s something simple? How can we take what we’re used to and subtract some so that we’re not losing any magic? And then I’m going to save time and energy. And then what can I do with that? That I want to do, right? So these are some examples in my life right now. It’s really important that you ask yourself, what are these examples for you? What is it that you can permit yourself to do differently than how it’s always been done? When we think about all the pressure on you, tradition, especially for people who, you know, really follow tradition, it can feel like a weight, you don’t want to break the pattern. But really, it’s so freeing when you do it and you experience saving yourself the time and energy. And I also should take a second here to recognize that changing anything, really, creates stress. Even buying a new car, which is a positive, fun thing, is stressful. And changing rituals and navigating internalized scripts about what you should be doing can provoke anxiety or leave you feeling a little unsettled. So let’s go ahead, since that’s neuroscience, and that’s change psychology, right? Those are facts. Let’s just anticipate it. If we understand that in order to get through the holidays with less stress and less burnout, we’re going to have to subtract instead of adding, then we’re also going to have to anticipate feeling some discomfort and unfamiliarity through that process. And knowing it’s coming is going to help you be prepared. If you experience that, when you experience that, try doing something incredibly simple on the spot that takes no energy to regulate your nervous system and move that stress out of your body. Now I have other episodes about this, but some great easy ideas that you could do is, you know, just to hum yourself a soothing song, like you’re humming in a low tone to yourself, or you could turn on loud music and sing along or dance along. You could shake your body for 30 second intervals, you know, a few times, or just get yourself in nature, whether you’re just sitting or you’re walking or whatever you’re doing, it will be helpful. And those are simple. Those are really simple things to try. And we’re moving that cortisol, that stress chemical, processing it and eliminating it so it’s not just marinating in your body. 

The next thing that goes with this is really having internal boundaries. This is so important. So much talk is about having better external boundaries with other people, and that’s great, yes, but in order to implement what I’m sharing with you so far and to do it well, you need internal boundaries first. Think of these as rules that are supportive for you to feel your best, For me, it’s that I won’t have more than one social commitment per week, that I won’t disrupt my sleep cycle more than once per week with my outings, but also that if I am going out, that I won’t have more than one or two maximum alcoholic beverages because it just wrecks my brain. I just am not thinking super clearly the next day. And my environment is a big trigger for stress for me. I have two little kids and I spend what feels like 25% or more of my time picking up their craft supplies and their toys from the floor. And I manage this when everybody’s home over the holidays by deciding when I’m going to pick up. And I pick a window of time, usually either in the morning or before bed, And then my internal boundary is that I’m going to ignore everything outside of that time. I’m not devoting time and energy in other parts of my day for the tidying. I let it go. I just completely ignore it. And I have to work to keep myself to that boundary, because otherwise I’d be tidying all day long or feeling frustrated every time I walk through certain parts of the house. or when we’re all home, I’m not going to be connecting with them or having any fun. And so that’s an internal boundary I hold myself to. Another one is around work. I love my work and serving my clients. And I enjoy creating content for this podcast and my audience. But I have to set a limit for how much of my time and energy I do that so other areas of my life don’t get neglected. Specifically, it can creep into my exercise time, it’s easy for me to get started with something to need a little more time, and then to feel like, oh, you know, I had this time blocked off for exercise, but I will figure out when else to do it, right. But my exercise helps me manage stress and improves my sleep. And that’s really important. And so my internal boundary is about keeping to my work schedule. and not moving exercise times. Stopping when I need to knowing I can come back to it and honoring those values that I have. 

Another thing is being strategic about when I’m checking email over the holidays. So normally I do it first thing as I’m prioritizing my day Since I’m gonna have my autoresponder written, it’s going out to anybody that messages me over the holiday, I’m comfortable that there’s no urgency first thing in the morning. And my plan, my internal boundary, is to check it after I’ve connected with myself and the family, probably around 11 a.m., if at all. If I can skip it, then I’m going to. And it’s a practice. And I put complete blocks in my calendar for the days that I want to completely psychologically detach from work. And so think about that. Are you doing that for yourself? You cannot stay connected and be present to your family and what’s going on around you. So personally, on those days, I’m not gonna check email. I’m not gonna be reading articles or any leadership books or do anything work-related for these days. I’m not responding to clients, right? It’s all gonna be fine. There’s no emergencies. It’s fine. So, do you have needs in this area with internal boundaries? Do you need to think about how much you work and how you can hold yourself back? Make some rules for yourself and then hold yourself to them. And then use internal boundaries so that you protect the time in your calendar for practicing self-care and regulation. because that’s how you become stress resilient. That’s how you sustain your high pace over time is that you build these things in that helps your body actually process physiologically stress and eliminate it. 

The other thing that I want to really encourage you to do is to take a moment and just reflect on all that you’ve done already for the year and have a moment of wonderful gratitude and inner celebration and wrap your arms around yourself and be like, I am freaking amazing. And find the reasons to highlight that what have you overcome? What challenges have you faced? How brave have you been? How much have you persevered and kept trying? So it’s not always about victories. But don’t forget that that’s a really important piece. instead of jumping right into New Year’s planning and what’s new on the horizon, I actually completely reject that. I don’t pick a word for the year. I don’t, you know, do a vision board for the year necessarily. I just really love to take the pressure off of myself and not get all caught up into the hype that’s going on. 

And while I’m doing all the things that I’ve mentioned, and while you’re doing any of the single strategies that I’ve shared, we’re listening to our bodies. And we’re trying to respond to what’s coming up. We’re not shoving it down. We’re not saying I don’t have time for this. We’re, we’re with ourselves, we’re with our own inner experience. My assumption is that to some extent, you’re new to that, right? Most people that’s new, at least in my coaching work. So to talk you through like, really, how do you do that? You can be in standing or sitting or laying down, you can check in with yourself anywhere, anytime really. You let your mental focus shift from being in your head and start to notice sensations in your body, any sensation anywhere, you’re not searching for something, you just are in the act of noticing and then something arises something below your neck. And as you notice a sensation, you just observe it. You don’t need to change it. You don’t need to even understand it. You don’t need to label it. You’re just like, Hmm, there’s something that’s curious. You just continue breathing normally, you don’t need to do anything different there. But you’re just allowing your mental focus to be on whatever sensation you’re feeling, like as if you could point a flashlight inside on that sensation. And that alone is all you see. You might notice some qualities, like is it moving? Is it pulsing or vibrating? Is it dense or is it light? Is it deep? Or is it on the surface of the body? Is there a color associated with it? You might notice, is it familiar? Hmm, is that a feeling that you think has been there, comes and goes, but over most of your life, or is it something new? And that may be all that you’re doing, and that right there is some big shit, okay? That is skillful. You are orienting to yourself. Then ask yourself, if you can, what do I need? I have this feeling. What does it need? For a while, you’re not going to hear an answer, but I want you to get into the habit of asking yourself anyways, what do I need? And then just listen, because that answer comes like a whisper. Simple statement, simple request or claim comes from inside your head, like from the distance. And usually it’s something pretty obvious. “I need rest. I need a hug. I need to be seen.” Right? Something simple. “I need to move.” But I believe that when professional women start listening to their body’s messages that they can leverage them to promote more success, satisfaction and sustainability, including and especially at the holidays. I’ve seen it happen in my life. That’s what I coach my clients to be able to do supremely well. And it can happen for you. So I want you to give it a shot. 

There’s so much more I could say about this topic, but I want to honor your time and energy by wrapping it up here. I hope that whatever you do this holiday season that you stay safe and that you know you are already whole and complete. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You’re worthy of feeling satisfied and at peace without doing a single thing more. I appreciate you listening, and I’d love to hear your questions or comments about today’s show. What hits you? What’s helpful? What are you going to be implementing? Send me an email. I will love hearing from you. I love to see you in my inbox. Please send me an email at crystal(at)crystalfrazee.com. 

Attuned Leadership for Women is written, edited, and published by me, Dr. Crystal Frazee. I enjoy creating this show for you so much. And as we move into the new year, I would love to hear what topics you’d move mountains for me to cover. So share your top requests with me because I listen. I really care and I want to hear from you. So send me an email with what you want me to cover at crystal at crystalfrazee.com. Check out the show notes for the link to my How To Run Your Day Without It Running You. It’s an audio training. If you enjoy this podcast, you’ll enjoy how to run your day without it running you. It’s a short audio training. I think it’s 20 minutes and it is packed with incredible value. If you’re curious what it’s like to go through coaching with me or my Executive Leadership Audit, then definitely check it out. 

I hope to be back in your earbuds in two weeks. So make sure to subscribe to the show. So you’re following and don’t miss any of the great interviews that I have keyed up for you. We’ve got some good things coming. All right, for now, be well and don’t be afraid to be you. Bye.